How Can I Love Him?
by liar
Summary: [COMPLETE] Hermione has been secretly in love with Draco. He is the one and only love in her life, but does he have feelings for her?
1. Me I

Me 

I know that it sounds childish to start a diary like this and to be honest I have never ever written a diary before…well, actually this isn't a diary either, it's just that I can't take it any longer and I have to get rid of all these feelings and horrible, humiliating memories. If I can write them down and burn them once this diary is finished I might be rid of them. Be able to forget them. 

Oh, don't get me wrong, actually, my life is quite okay. There's nobody abusing me or something like that. I've got friends whom I can trust and a loving family…the problems I have are much more ordinary than you might expect. 

Okay, let's get started while the going is still good. 

Since I've arrived here in Hogwarts my life has taken the most interesting twists and turns…and I'm still confronted with the most ridiculous problems…love, for example. I don't know, it sounds childish, but there is this boy in my year…and I really have liked him for ages…it's complicated. That's why I thought it might be a good idea to write it down…to sort things out and to get a clear head and then to forget about it… make it gone for good. I guess if anybody ever got to read this they might be absolutely confused…I'm not really into writing, well I'm good at writing scientific stuff and such but nothing like this…a good thing that nobody but me will get hold of this book. 

For one thing, there is Ron. I really, really care for him…and maybe even love him. You see, we've been an item for more than 2 years now and we get along well with each other…he does a lot for me and I don't really care that he doesn't have much money and that he is not one of the best looking blokes in school…I'm not good looking either, so who cares? My hair is too bushy, I'm not thin, in fact, I have gained quite some weight during the summer…but I'm not really interested in my looks. I think, I'm average and that's okay, don't you agree?

Anyways, I really like Ron and I don't want to lose him, but, you see, there's this other boy in my year. Draco Malfoy. Yes, indeed, Draco Malfoy. I cannot believe I'm writing this down.

If he ever found out…oh, sure, he already knows that much…but if he ever found out about all of it…I even blush only thinking about it.

It all started in my fourth year at Hogwarts. I never had much to do with Draco Malfoy. He was and probably still is a conceited, sneaking bully. He made my life (and Ron and Harry's lives) a living hell, calling me names and such…but, he is a handsome, conceited, sneaking bully. I didn't fall for him. I just found him attractive…good-looking. Nothing else. But he'd never ever look at me. In his opinion I'm a mudblood. Unworthy and filthy. Well, if I were a beauty, I might have been able to make him love me…but there are so may girls with better looks…but I have to admit…I was interested in him and that's why I started sending him anonymous letters. And this is, where the story begins. 


	2. Me II

Disclaimer: No, sorry, I don't own Harry Potter. 

***

Have you ever thought about what it's like to have a double life? I mean, I love Hogwarts, the second I enter its ground and breathe in the air and see the buildings and people…all I want is stay here forever and never leave again. 

And then, when I receive a letter from my parents I start thinking and wish I was back at home with them. 

They don't understand me. Or what I am and where I am. I know that they are happy for me and that they wish me all the best and support me, but things are too different. 

The second we entered Diagon Alley the summer before my first year here…well, I think they were intimidated by all the strange things they saw. I, however, seemed to have finally found a place amongst the people to which I truly belong. I hated going to prep school when I was a child. Not because I hated school itself…it was the other pupils I didn't like because, to be honest, they didn't like me very much. I was just a strange and weird classmate. Another person they could pick on. 

I was glad when I received my Hogwarts Letter and since then things have improved a lot for me. But other things…like the relationship between me and my family…other things have suffered. 

When I went back home during Christmas break in my first year, I brought all kinds of food and magic stuff with me. Things my parents had never seen before and I brought them home to try. My father refused to, said he didn't like it. My mother tried some things. She was really enthusiastic. Even now I must smile when I remember how she tried one of Berti Bott's every flavour beans and happened to come across one that tasted like smelly feet. Well, that's life.

I sent a lot of letters home, trying to explain to them what Hogwarts is like…but everything is so difficult to explain and after a while you simply get tired and don't want to repeat yourself over and over again. I mean, Potions and Transfiguration. How do you explain these subjects to Muggles? My parents tried to understand, they really did, but everything is so different to what they are used to. O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s, that's not easy to explain when all you know are GCSEs and A-Levels. 

When I was a fifth year and Dumbledore made me a Prefect. Gosh, I simply had to go off and borrow Hedwig to tell them something they would finally understand without me explaining it to them for ages. I was so happy. 

Owls and letters, that's another thing. My parents don't own an owl and neither do I. Oh, sure I can borrow Pig from Ron or use one of the school owl's or Hedwig to send a letter to my parents and they'd reply instantly to it. Otherwise they wouldn't get hold of another owl till my next letter. But I can't very well send a letter to my grandmother or my aunt. They now I'm going to this fancy school in the North, but everything else? They wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain it. It's better this way for me and for them. Yet, I often wonder what it would be like if I had gone to a normal school. Maybe, my parents and I wouldn't have drifted apart that much. 

During the last few years I have hardly spend a week at home. I stay in Hogwarts during Christmas and Easter and the 8 weeks of Summer Holidays…well, most of it I spent with Ron at the Burrow or in London. 

Ron. He draws me even more into the magical world. I'm a part of his family, but he's not one of mine. My parents have seen him, well, let me think, they've seen him three or four times so far. All they know about him is what I tell them. And I don't tell them much. I don't feel very comfortable telling other people about my feelings. I can sort things out on my own. 

I think that writing down what you feel is a great idea. Who else could I tell that I passed by Draco Malfoy today and that my arm brushed against his robes?

It shot a tingly feeling trough my entire body and I felt light-hearted and happy all afternoon. He probably sent his robes straight to the cleaners to get the mudblood filth of them. Well, that is, if he noticed we touched. I don't think he did. 

Now when I look back at what I wrote a few days ago, I feel silly. How could I write something like that? Usually I'm not that emotionally…and things brightened up today and I feel so good…


	3. Me III

**Disclaimer:**

If I owned Harry Potter I could have bought anything I wanted in the Shambles in York today. But guess what? I don't own him so all I bought are 2 books, 2 boxes with tee, some hot chocolate and a fab lunch at Betty's.

Ever been to Betty's? Isn't it just a place where you can go in and eat and eat and eat and eat until you explode? J

***

Right, I think I forgot about it for a few seconds…the absolutely horrifying, humiliating feeling that I should have every single time I see HIM. 

Yesterday, when I walked past him in the corridor I was in seventh heaven and today…It's horrible. Why did I even write those stupid letters? Why do I even think about him?

I sent him those silly notes. Anonymously. Why did I have to give myself away like that?

_"Hi Draco,_

_How are you?  _

_A friend."_

Stupid, stupid, stupid. My stomach churns when I even think about writing those seven words. Okay, you might think that that is nothing. It is nothing and it is everything at the same time. He looked at me in the Great Hall today again, this inquisitive, knowing and confused look in his eyes. For the split second that I dared to watch him. Oh, the shame. 

And I actually thought I was safe doing that. I used school owls, because I can't just borrow Pig or Hedwig. I remember being absolutely flattered when he even sent an answer back.

_"Who are you?"_

I smiled and buried the tiny piece of paper in my pocket. My fingers seemed to be on fire every time I touched it. A thing HE had touched and even written on it. A note just for me. That really made my day, you know.  

I felt so superior and safe. He would never find out who I was. I had it all planned out in my mind. We would start to be pen friends sending little notes and then long letters to each other and he would still trying to guess who I was. And then, when we would trust me and start to like me, then I would tell him that it was me all along and he would like me. He would no longer care that I'm a mudblood and filth and dirt. I imagined the two of us sitting together down by the lake, chatting and laughing.  And then…maybe…he would like me more than just as a friend…

Pretty pathetic. If this was a novel than things might have worked out quite well…everything according to plan. The worst enemies united and fall in love, finally realizing that they were made for each other and that the animosities  from the past had just been a sign of some deep sexual desire and of feelings buried deep within.  

How could I have been so stupid. It took him only three more notes to figure out who I was. Although he never told me he knew. I knows that he knows that it was me. And he knows that I know he knows. 

And if Ron found out, or Harry. They'd never talk to me again. 

Oh my god, what do I do, if he tells the entire school? I bet he would love to tell everyone about it. Maybe he already has and now they are laughing at me behind my back. 

Ron. My loving boyfriend. Yes, I like him, but love? No, I think I love Draco. The feelings I have for Ron are friendship and brotherly love. I do care for him and that's why I stay with him. Fantastic, now I start even lying to myself. I don't stay with him, because I care for him. If I'd really care for him, I would never stay with him, but let him move on and tell him that it's not faire to deceive him. He is nice and he deserves someone who returns the love he gives. 

I'm a horrible person. Disgusting. I smile at Ron and tell him a hundred times a day how much I love him. He expects me to do that. Everyone does. And wouldn't it be normal if we had a real relationship? Everything is make believe on my behalf. I am the one who can't afford to lose him. He's the one thing that protects me from Draco. The more affectionate I am with Ron in public the less likeable it is for Draco to see and realize what I truly feel for him. And nobody would believe him that I wrote those notes. Nobody, because I'm Ron's girl-friend.

And there is another reason why I can't break up with Ron. 

Who would want to be with me once I lost him?

I would lose Harry and Ginny, too, not only Ron. 

I'm not good-looking and charming. I'm plain and simple. Perhaps, if I were beautiful and flirtatious, then Draco would look at me. But I'm not. I'm into books and I don't really care what I look like. Usually I don't care.

Last week I wore my hair in a ponytail. It lasted for about 10 seconds because as soon as I had walked downstairs from the girls' dormitories I felt the eyes of all the people in the common room on me and self-consciously I pulled the ribbon out of my hair resorting to my usual messy, bushy hairstyle. I can't suddenly start wearing tightly fitting clothes and make-up. That's just not me. 

I envy girls like Lavender, Patil and Padma. They are quite good-looking and chatty and boys just like being with them. In a sense, I'm pretty lucky that Ron feels something for me, after all. I mean, nobody else would notice me otherwise.

Why has life to be so complicated for me? Why can't I just settle for what I have and be happy with it?


	4. Me IV

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything else related to it. However, Mrs. Rowling let me play with her beloved characters and I'm grateful for that. And I promise to give them back as good as new, if not better. 

***

Why does food have to taste so good? I stood outside of the Great Hall today, waiting for my and the other 6th years turn to go inside and have a seat and I tried so hard not to look at him. He was there with his goons again and chatting up Pansy. 

Pansy. Oh, I can't stand the sight of her. Blonde and pretty and slim. 

I'd give a lot to look like her. Well, I could do with being brunette though. I noticed the other day that my skirts are getting tighter. I'm gaining weight again. Filling out in the wrong places. But the food is just so delicious, I can't stop myself from eating the pudding or the chips and all that good stuff they serve.

It's not as if I didn't try. I always tell myself that I don't really need to eat it. I can do without it and then, when the trifle is right in front of my nose or the delicious smell of curd tarts…I just can't resist and what was supposed to be one tiny bite turns into much more. 

There are worse things in life than putting on a few pounds. Draco didn't look at me when I weighed less, so why bother with a diet?

Stupid thoughts. It feels good to write them down, though. I could never say that out loud. I can just picture the look on Harry's face and Ron would say that I'm all right the way I am. And me caring about my looks? 

I should stop being so depressive. I know I really am. I have to tell myself to be cheerful and lively and than everything will be all right. Rise and shine. 

How cares about bloody Draco Malfoy?

***

Maybe it's just my imagination, but since the letters he has stopped teasing and insulting me. He seems to ignore me. That's even worse. With the insults he at least paid me some kind of attention. Now I'm a nothing to him. Not even worth bothering him in any way.

I always thought that complete and total ignorance was even worse than contempt. I mean, when you hate someone than at least you have some kind of emotion and feeling for that person. 

I want to burn the letters, no, they are not real letters, they are notes. Tiny scribbles on parchment. His handwriting is quite elegant. I can't touch them. It's enough to look at them and I feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach and my cheeks burning.

_"Why do you write those letters?"_

I can remember my answer to his question as if I had learnt it by heart.

"_I want to be your friend. I think it's sad that we never got to know each other better. I think we could be great friends."_

Silly me. Did I try to persuade myself there that I don't love him? That all I wanted was his friendship? Maybe I could fool myself for a second, but I certainly couldn't fool him. 

My heart aches and my throat is soar. Maybe it is because I sit in one of the rarely used corridors to write this. 

Rain has been pouring down for ages and Hogwarts might be a wonderful castle from the outside but once the weather is cold and wet it becomes quite chilly on the inside as well. I wear gloves and a scarf going from classroom to classroom. Only in the common room where there is that huge fireplace it is warm and cosy. 

I'm sitting on a window sill right now and a bit of water comes trickling in trough the window as the rain pours down non stop. 

I wonder what's it like down in the dungeons. In potions I nearly freeze to death and every time we brew some concoction or other I huddle as close to the fire as possible. What's life like for a Slytherin down there all the times?

If things had worked out the way I wanted them to, then I could have asked him all those questions that are on my mind.

I don't think he's such an awful and horrible git as he pretends to be in public. I think he believes that he has to live up to his name. That everyone expects him to be that way and that he can only led his guard down when he is on his own. 

He's like me. We both cannot be ourselves if we're with people. I can't be myself when I'm with Ron because for him I have to be his loving girl-friend…and Harry? He needs me to be strong, he needs me as someone he can rely on, someone who knows at least some of the answers he has the questions for. 

The teachers and other pupils just see the perfect-know-it-all in me and actually I'm quite happy to give them what they want. I like what they see in me, I get something out of it. 

But if only Draco could see trough all that and see how I feel and who I really am. I'm sure it's the same for him. 

Maybe that's why I love him. I don't love the Draco Malfoy with his sneers and insults…you know, the way he is in public. But I love him the way he has to be when he is alone. It is difficult to explain and I know it's wrong…I love a picture my imagination created. He simply has to be like that otherwise I couldn't love him, could I?

I think I'm going crazy. Maybe it would be best just to forget about all that. Forget about him and that's it. But that has never worked out so far. I couldn't he always pops back into my mind sooner or later. I manage not to think of him for hours, sometimes even days and then he's there and all those feelings come flooding back and I feel like I'm drowning in emotions. 

It's better to write them down and get them of my chest. It gives me time and I can breathe and go on living my life for a few more days until I catch another glimpse of him and think that this time he has been looking at me differently. Maybe with something like love or at least interest. 


	5. Me V

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. 

**Author's Note**: Half Term, here I come…only 72 hours and I will be in King's Cross, pushing a trolley with my trunk on it and searching for a taxi to take me to Paddington. Life is wonderful.  And what is even better….the 72 hours include only 6 more periods of teaching. 

So if you meet me on Sunday in KingsCross I'll be wearing a wonderful black and silver school scarf with the Giggleswick School coat of arms on it and I'll be looking dreadfully exhausted after hours and hours in a train going South to London…

All right, all right…you're not interested in that…fine…on with the story then…and this chapter is the longest so far…and there will be another one up shortly…a Valentine's Day chapter…

Oh, and **thanks for the reviews.**

***

Tomorrow will be Valentine's Day. I got something nice for Ron…he probably won't even have a card or anything to give to me…that is, if he remembers that there is Valentine's Day…I don't really care. 

The librarian has decorated the library and the topic is "Library of Love"  so I find myself sitting amongst tiny little cupids fluttering around and whispering little cheesy nonsense in your ears and there is even heart shaped, pink and red  glitter falling down from the ceiling and vanishing once they hit the ground. It's nice and romantic, I suppose. Ron refused to set a foot inside as soon as he saw what was going on.  Romance and Valentine's Day is just no made for him, I guess. 

I constantly imagine that I get a rose or a letter from HIM. That he looks at me and that his eyes smile at me…I'm pathetic, but I can't get him out of my head. I find myself dreaming and imaging that Draco has something to me…wouldn't it be wonderful if an owl came swooping down tomorrow during breakfast (landing in the butter dish, of course) and delivered a single red rose to me and I would look up and my eyes would lock with Dracos and he would nod, a nod that only I can read and….right, here we go again, I'm lost in my fantasy world again…things like that don't happen. They happen in romances and novels and chic flics…but real life? I doubt it. In real life the ugly duckling doesn't turn into a swan and doesn't get prince charming. 

Nevertheless, I had the most wonderful dream tonight. I dreamt I was sitting in Potions and I cannot really remember why, but Draco stood up and declared that the girl he found most attractive was Lavender Brown. And I remember my heart aching for a second…and then he continued and actually said that I, Hermione Granger, was second on this list…and then he went on  and Julia Roberts was fourth and rhubarb rhubarb…as if Draco even knew who Julia Roberts was…

I was in such a good mood, when I woke up that I bounced around in my dorm and even looked into my mirror and thought, well you don't look that bad today…and now that I write it down I suddenly find that it is pretty pathetic. Second best…even in my dreams Draco would never choose me.  

I shouldn't think about Draco all the time…not with Valentine's Day coming up and Ron being my boyfriend. I can't believe why everybody in Gryffindor…well, maybe even in the entire school, believes that we are made for each other. Okay, we appear to be madly in love with each other. We sit together in front of the fireplace and I lean against him and he holds me and kisses me and tells me how much he loves me…I keep asking myself why nobody seems to see through this charade. My charade. I'm constantly waiting for someone to stand up and point at me and yell at me that I'm a cheat and how I dare doing what I do.

I wonder why Ron doesn't realize it. He touches me and I pretend to like it…. 

Sometimes, he complains that I never seem to touch him…that it's always him initiating it when he wants to be close to me…

He doesn't realize that I actually avoid his hands and his touches…sometimes even his kisses and the more that he touches and loves and tries to give, the more I shy away from his hands and retreat trying to hide in my own little shell. It's probably psychological. I mean, by not reacting to his touches my body tries to tell him NOT to touch me…and he thinks he has to touch me even more to get a reaction. But how could I tell him that? How do you voice these kinds of feelings without hurting him? How can I say what I want without hurting myself?

Everything was fine when I could hate Draco. There was a time when I had only eyes for Ron and nobody else would bother me…but now things have changed. Before I was with Ron there was Viktor…thinking about him still gives me this sweet sour feeling in my stomach and I'd rather not think about him.

And all the time in the back of my mind there has been Draco. That's why his insults hurt so much, I guess. I wouldn't give a damn if anybody else would call me those names…but to hear those words out of the mouth from the one person you desire…

Sometimes I find myself hiding in corridors where I think and know Draco might come along sooner or later. I linger in the Great Hall just to see him, I go past the Quidditch Pitch when I know he'll be out there training and  I go to Hogsmeade with Ron and Harry and Ginny and halfway on our way back to the castle I tell them to go ahead and that I had to go back because I forgot to pick up this book or that…and the truth is that I only want to go back to be alone…to give Draco a chance to talk to me and to catch a glimpse of him. 

And then my mind kicks in and tells my heart off for thinking such nonsense, "Yeah, as if Draco would ever bother to talk to me, he'd probably not even think I'm worth the insults he fires at me…"

We (and here I address the entire female population on this planet, Muggle as well as Magical) have probably all our prince charming…the one boy we desire and can't have and will never get. The one person we would die for and that we dream of every single minute during the night even though we have never even as much as brushed their arm. I guess, we cannot help it. That's just the way it is. Or better…the way we are. 

Every one likes to secretly think that one day HE will come and sweep them of their feet, seeing beyond our faults and flaws. Everybody says that it's the inside that counts, but who ever has said that surely didn't have problems with their outside. Let's face it…we pretend that we don't care for what others consider to be beautiful…as if it doesn't matter whether you're wearing size 6 or 12 and who cares whether you weigh 5 stone or 13? As long as you're a nice and happy person that is all that matters. As if. 


	6. Me VI

**Disclaimer**: No, I don't own it, I wish I would, but honestly, I don't.

**Author's Note**: Another Valentine's Day and no card and no date and no nothing. Fantastic. I actually planned on Hermione not getting anything, but well, only because my life is miserable that doesn't mean hers has to be too…

Oh, hey wait, that's not true…A lot of my little kiddywings said nice things to me today.

Spenc, I doubt you'll ever read this here, but thank you very much for calling me your hero. That made my day. 

Ric H,   I hope your Card was appreciate and thanks for flashing me that dazzling smile. 

And thanks for the nice reviews, Nina, hotchick90 and all the others.

***

Today is Valentine's Day and I felt like jumping out of bed and bouncing around my room wishing everybody a happy Valentine's day. I like it. I mean, I even love it. And every year I'm waiting for those cards and declarations of love and I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter whether I get anything or not…and actually, that's true. I don't really care…I'm waiting for cards and flowers, but so far, Ron has been the only one to send me anything like that. Ever.

Ron just wished me a happy Valentine's Day. He's sweet…but that's just it.

But today has been different. When I went down to Potions I left my book bag in the corner opposite the girls' lavatory down in the dungeons  instead of taking it with me. I only left it unattended for a second, well, rather five minutes, and I didn't notice anything until now. 

Someone has sent me a Valentine. It's just a tiny slip of parchment neatly folded, that has been slipped into Hogwarts: A History. I found it when I was flicking through the pages, searching for some more detailed information on Balduin the Bold, and there it was…tucked in between the biography of Balduin and the picture of his first wife. 

I'll use spello-tape to stick it in here later, for now I just write down what it says:

_Can we meet tomorrow morning after breakfast  down by the willows  near  the lake?_

I don't know who wrote it…I don't recognize the handwriting…it doesn't look like Draco's, but he could have used a spell to alter it…I don't know, it's just the most amazing thing that ever happened to me…It has to be Draco, I can't think of anybody else who would write that note…and he wants my friendship. No, I'm getting over-excited….he just wants to talk, but, hell, that's just the beginning. There must be something behind it. 

He must have slipped the note into the book while I went to the loo and when I picked it up and walked into the classroom he was already in there, sitting next Crabbe and Goyle. He was writing something, but I didn't dare looking at him for to long and Ron and Harry waved me over to their seats as soon as they spotted me coming through the doorway.

 I can't stop smiling, I'm sure everybody in the common room will notice that huge grin that is plastered on my face right now. I was wrong, sometimes good things do happen to the ugly duckling (and maybe the ugly duckling IS on her way to become the stunning swan…) I can't wait for breakfast tomorrow morning…I mean, I need to give him answer…I just don't know yet how. Oh Merlin, Valentine's Day is the best day of the year. 

Just think about it…every single girl Draco has dated so far for Valentine's Day has received a wonderful bouquet of flowers or jewellery or something. He's just the man that sweeps you off your feet and makes you feel like your on cloud nine in seventh heaven. 

I can see his icy grey eyes sparkle and his silky hair shining every time I close my eyes. If only he would look at me with these eyes and let me be part of his life…not as his enemy or Harry's friend, but as for what I am and could be for him. 

 I don't dare say his name out loud, but every single page in this diary breathes his name and says it over and over again and it is the sweetest sound ever. I just have to turn the pages and it is as if he was sitting next to me, as if all those emotions that are pent up in my chest could be poured into this little booklet and it makes me feel like I told him.

If I could have him for one night, just holding his hands or looking in his eyes…I could spend my entire lifetime just gazing into his eyes and being close to him…but one night would be enough to last me a life time.  I wonder what his skin feels like and what it would feel like to be touched by him…his hands could set my skin on fire and make my body and soul burn, aching for more. 

I know, he is the one who could melt my entire being with one single look. He makes my heart smile and cry at the same time. I feel so close to him and yet we are miles apart. 

Funny, Ron is sitting downstairs in the Common Room and he is as close to me (physically) as a person can be, but on this different level, this level where there are emotions and feelings that words simply can't grasp…there he is miles away from me. 

Tomorrow will be the day where I meet him and where we can start our journey, I don't know where it will take us, but at least it's a start.

I know, this is absolutely cheesy, but I'm feeling cheesy and there is nothing wrong with it, today is Valentine's Day and for the first time in my life my heart is soaring and I feel light headed and free and I want to be cheesy…this is me, in this diary can I be who I am and I can write down whatever I feel without giving it second thoughts. 

I can't wait till tomorrow, oh Merlin, please, please make time fly by, I want it to be tomorrow. 


	7. Me VII

**Disclaimer**: No, I don't own Harry Potter. 

**Author's Note**: I am sorry that it took me so long to write this chapter I just couldn't make up my mind on what to write…and then there has been a lot on my mind lately…so, here we go…I hope you enjoy reading it and I would appreciate it, if you could let me know whether the feelings I try to describe in these chapters (which each resemble a diary entry)…well, if they are remotely close to whatever you feel in real life. 

**Thanks for leaving a review**. It makes me happy to read them and it encourages me to write the next chapter. Well, if there should be another chapter. I cannot see a way for Draco to respond to Hermione's love…maybe we should just **stop** here?

***

I imagined all night what it would be like to meet him, how I would walk up to him if he'd be already there and I would smile shyly and my eyes would sparkle and he'd take my hand and lead me away like prince charming would do with his princess. 

And then I started dreaming how I would be leaning against the willow tree, looking longingly out on the lake and he would be late. I would nearly give up hope, but then, just as I would be about to leave he would come and say my name…he wouldn't say Granger…he'd say Hermione…and we would look in each other's eyes and feel that there is something. He would know that I was made for him and that he couldn't possibly live without me. 

It felt wonderful to think about it…so real and warm and I felt loved and secure. 

I would do everything for him. Honestly, I would. I don't know if you have ever felt like that. It is humiliating and wonderful at the same time. I mean, it is wonderful to love someone with all your heart, but if this love is only one sided, than it the most awful thing that can happen to you. 

It was nothing but a dream after all. Love is nothing but a silly dream. 

I didn't go there.

I couldn't.

I lay awake tossing around in my bed all night and I couldn't go there. I didn't go to breakfast either, because I felt sick to death.

I wanted to go. Really. I dressed up and combed my hair, but I couldn't bring myself to leave my dorm.  I should settle for Ron. He is kind and loving and nice. Nice. Not daring or dangerous. I know every tiny thing about him, we grew up together. Sometimes I think I can even predict his every word. I know that he likes it if I kiss his throat and slip my hand into his trouser pocket. He is so predictable. 

He is everything Draco is not. Maybe that's why I long so much for Draco. He is all I ever wanted and yet I couldn't have him.

It was too dangerous. I don't even know if it was him who wrote the note.

Or if it was him and all he wanted was to play a cruel joke on me, tell the whole school what a stupid, lovesick puppy I am. I couldn't risk it. 


	8. Me VIII

**Disclaimer**: Do you really think things have changed? No infringement is intended, I don't make any money with this and I don't say Harry Potter's universe belongs to me.

**Author's Note: **Nothing much to say here. Half term is over and done with, I am back at work.

Thank you very much for the wonderful reviews. Usually I don't thank people personally, but I appreciated your support so I thought I might let you know…

VoodooChild39: No, I live and work in Britain, but I am not British. English isn't even my mother tongue. But I'm glad you like the story. Thank you for the review and your encouragement. 

Pink Tribe Chick: Thanks for making me want to go on. I like it that you think there is a way for Draco and Hermione to be together…and that I just don't see it yet…that's cute.

Ibystander: I wasn't sure about the title and this story used to be titled "Me", but back then nobody wanted to read it. Maybe because the summary sucks or the title is no good…I don't know, but thanks for letting me know that you liked it. 

Hotchick90: That's a creative way to write reviews. J Unfortunately I have never seen a single episode of American Idol, but I get the picture. Thank you for the other reviews, too.

Sabriel41:  I love your stories and I am glad that you find the time to read some of the things I wrote. Your reviews are awesome and help me improve my writing. Never cease to review, comments like yours are worth their weight in gold.

Special thanks also go to Tropic,  Nina and so may others that reviewed. 

Oh, and there is another chapter to come…I'll post it as soon as possible.

***

What is it with men that they always go for the same kind of girl? It's the good-looking, perfect, entertaining and charming girl getting every bloke she wants. 

Girls like me have to settle for the mediocre, the left-overs.

I don't want to be mean when I say that Ron is not the crème de la crème. He is nice enough, but if there is someone out there and you can physically feel how you are pulled and pushed towards this person, then it is very hard once you smash into the invisible wall called reality and you realize that no matter how much you want to be with this person, there is no way you could ever get together.

Lately I have been making things worse for myself because I started reading those heart-braking romance stories. Anything fluffy I could get my hands on. And in those stories it's always love succeeding in the end. Enemies become lovers, the ugly duckling charms her prince charming…that's how I wish my life would be like. 

I bought a magazine a few days ago. A girly magazine. I hid it in my book bag, but Ron spotted it and made fun of me. What would I need such a magazine for? He never thought I would read something like that.

Well, to be honest, I used to make fun of people reading these magazines. I thought I was above them and now that I skimmed through one of them I must say that they are not so bad. I don't like the articles, they are shallow and there's nothing interesting in them, but the make up and beauty tips might help me improve my looks. 

I keep telling myself that once I lost a stone and got nice hair and a pretty make up make over he will look at me and see me in a different light.

Listen to that. Isn't it ironic that the cleverest witch ever attending Hogwarts…at least as far as this century is considered…can't stop deceiving herself?

I didn't go to the lake when I had the tiniest chance of meeting him, talking to him. I chickened out and hid. Even if he would look at me and ask me out, I would never accept it. I'm with Ron after all and Draco is our arch nemesis. I couldn't hurt Harry like that. Never ever. 

There are times when I think about telling Ron the truth. Then I lie in bed crying myself to sleep, but what good would it do? It wouldn't improve my situation, would it? 

I have written these lines several days ago. Now that I had time to think about it, I decided that it is time to move on. I saw Draco yesterday and he was with Pansy, taking her in his arms, holding her. It broke my heart to see them like that, but it made me realize one thing, too. We're not meant to be a couple. We can't, because we're simply too different. Our families, our backgrounds, our beliefs and goals…no, even with we could get together our love would shatter sooner or later, because we're too different and just making compromises doesn't work on a long term basis. You've got to have something in common and simply going to the same school, having magical abilities and being of the same age is not enough. 

Right now my head is clear and I can think about everything that has happened in the past without regretting doing it. So I wrote these stupid letters to Draco. So what? It isn't a crime to do that, although I admit that it wasn't my best idea ever.

I feel like telling the whole school that I'm in love with Draco bloody Malfoy and then we'll see what happens. That would be a way of not deceiving Harry and Ron. I should tell them about my feelings. I feel awful because I am lying to them day in day out and things just seem to get worse between us. 

But let's face it, if I walked up to Draco Malfoy telling him that I love him,…

...the Draco Malfoy I love would look at me and either confess his feelings for me or simply say nothing and never mention it again.

…the real Draco Malfoy would sneer at me and make fun of me. He'd probably say something along the lines of "Dream on, Mudblood!" And he'd rub it into my face whenever he'd see me. 

But at least it would be off my chest then and I could move on and focus on a new thing that makes life worth living. 

I think that's what I'll do. Yeah, I guess, I'll do it. I'm a Gryffindor, for heaven's sake, not a coward.

I won't live my life chasing a dream that will never come true. I will never get Draco Malfoy to love me. I'm just keeping myself from finding a true love. 

Tomorrow, I will give this diary to him. It's not much, only a few pages that I have written so far and I don't care if he ever intends on using it against me. He can copy it and give it to the whole school if he wants to. If hid my feelings far too long and now that I realized it is no good either way, I don't care any longer about it. 

Draco,

I have spent more then three years of my life longing for you and at some point I even thought I was madly in love with you. 

But what's the point of being in love if the person you're fancying would love to see you dead?

You don't give a damn about me, do you?

And even if you would, you couldn't admit it. Your precious father wouldn't let you, nor would you let yourself love a mudblood. 

Well, you don't know what you're missing. You didn't even catch a glimpse of the real me and I doubt that you know who you yourself really are. You're too stuck up living up to other people's expectations. 

I could be the most wonderful lover in the world. I could be caring and loving and interesting. I could be your best friend. That is, if you had let me. 

You can do with this diary whatever you like, it's yours. 

Love,

Hermione Granger. 


	9. Me IX

Disclaimer: I still don't own it. 

**Author's Note**: Sorry that it took me ages to update. I just wanted to write a nice long and excellent chapter for a change and set myself a word limit of about 3000 words…so here we go…

I didn't quite manage 3000 words, but this is definitely the longest chapter I have ever written in my entire fanfiction writing life.

Oh, and I think I found out why hardly anyone bothers to review this story…I guess it's just to depressive and there is no happy ending in sight and it is neither cheesy nor well planned, but hey, I just had to get it out of my system and done with, because then I'll be able to finally finish my other stories…

***

**EPILOGUE – or is it?**

***

Today I saw him again. I can't believe it that I'm still thinking about him after all that time…

I was strolling through Diagon Alley when I nearly bumped into him. True, I never really stopped thinking about him and every time I saw his picture in the Daily Prophet he is holding another pretty blonde super model in his arms and smiling and pretending to be oh so generous when he donates some of his money to this charity or that.

Right after I had left Hogwarts I permanently caught myself searching for a sign of him, but it never came and I finally thought I could move on with my life.

He got the parcel containing my diary the day after I had made my decision. I think he even watched me break up with Ron during breakfast that day. 

Merlin, the next six months in school were the worst I ever had to go through. Ron was so hurt, he wouldn't speak to me anymore and neither did Ginny or any of the others girls who couldn't take it that I threw away our perfect relationship. And Harry wasn't very helpful either. I should have known that I would end up all alone. 

Well, as soon as I saw him standing there in front of Flourish and Blotts I tried to back away. I didn't want to be seen by him. I am such a coward, I know, but I can't face him, nor Ron for that matter. 

I'm still in love with Draco Malfoy although  I haven't seen him for ages. I didn't want to see him, because every time we run into each other my heart aches and my stomach churns and I wish I could transfigure myself into a tiny little mouse and vanish. 

Usually I just apparte away. 

But what is love anyway? What do we mean by it? Funny, isn't it? Our lives are ruled by this abstract idea we can't really explain. Or can you give a definition for what love is? 

Love – feelings of affection we have for another human being or maybe even an animal, object or idea. 

That is what you might find in a dictionary. A simple definition that – in my opinion – doesn't say anything about love at all.

I love you. 

Subject, Verb, Object. There is no difference between "I love you" and "I hate you" or "I see him" if you're looking at it from a linguistic point of view. 

Ich liebe Dich.

Subject, Verb, Object. Isn't it nice that "ich" rhymes with "dich"?

Je t'aime.

Subject, Object, Verb for a change. It doesn't make a real difference, though, does it? And it is far from being as efficient as 

_Ti amo_. 

Ti amo. It already seems as if the Subject and Object are an item, inseparably linked by the Verb. 

I wish love would be so easy. Those sentences, those tiny little sentences express everything and nothing at the same time. 

_I love you. _Just say it and you can feel all the joy that can be connected to these three little words.

_Ich liebe Dich_. It almost makes you physically go through the pain involved in loving.

I think most of us use these words too often. They are handy little tools to get you what you want. 

Sex? Here you go, just tell her you can't live without her and say the magic four letter word and there you are happily pounding away. 

Money? Say you love him and if he is foolish enough to believe a Subject – Verb – Object construction can hold any sentimental feelings, he'll marry you and a few years later you can inherit whatever is left from his empire.

Draco Malfoy has it both, Sex and Money. I doubt he knows what love is all about. He doesn't need love and he is better off that way.

But hey, who am I to judge? I'm single. 

Do I know what love is? 

Back in school I thought I did, today I am not so sure anymore. I felt brave and all mighty because I broke up with Ron, told him the truth…that everything had just been a big pretence and that we are better off if go back to being friends. Just friends. I was stupid enough to think that Draco Malfoy would realize what I sacrificed for him, for us. That he would consider me a martyr and over come all those things that separated us from being together. Who would care that I was a Mudblood and he the son of a Deatheater? It wouldn't matter any more that he was Harry's biggest foe. We would simply rise above all those human prejudices and live happily ever after. 

Naïve. 

I should have known it wouldn't work that way. It didn't work for Romeo and Juliet either. 

Personally, I think that they didn't die at the end of the story. That was just Shakespeare's easy way out so that he wouldn't have to deal with the real problems that were coming up in their relationship. What if Julia suddenly found out Romeo didn't really love her? Maybe there weren't married for real and he just played a prank on her to get her in bed to humiliate the Capulets even more? 

Or she suddenly found out that he wasn't what she wanted, perhaps she didn't want to risk being with him anymore once she found out that he's nothing but a gigolo who had more girls in the last week than there were fingers on his hand? 

Did he ever say _ti amo_? Did she ever say those words? Well, we can't know for sure and in my opinion it is highly unlikely that Shakespeare's version of events is anywhere near reality. 

But he does get a message across…

_"Love is a killer!"_

It kills you if you are not careful and watch every step you take. It eats you alive, swallows you as a whole. It doesn't kill your body, but your soul. 

Love is a Dementor.

Did you ever wonder why  Dementors _kiss_ their victims? Isn't a kiss something that is actually connected to love? A gesture of affection? And yet it sucks up your soul, only leaves your body as an empty shell behind, not capable of anything anymore. 

There have been a lot of incidents in history where a kiss gave you away, condemned you to death or even worse. 

Jesus and Judas are probably the most popular example.

I presume that is what people refer to when they are talking about "_BAD LOVE_".

Maybe that's why everything went wrong for me. I didn't watch my step, maybe I got kissed by a Dementor without even noticing it.

I assumed that if you love someone this person is bound to love you back. If you're in love you tend to forget that the other person might not even acknowledge your existence and if they do realize that you are out there, how are they supposed to know you love them? Well, sure, you could tell them, but most of us don't because we are afraid they might reject us, laugh at us, point at us and humiliate us in front of our friends, family, colleagues.

And there is always the chance that they don't love us back. 

What's the point of loving someone if they don't love you back? And just because someone says "I love you." you can't really be sure that they do. Tricky business, isn't it?

Surely there is something like a good love then, too. 

_GOOD LOVE._

Love that makes you feel good and happy and wanted. 

There seem to be thousands of different kinds of love. We love our parents and siblings. We love our favourite toy. We love chocolate and cars and pets. 

Or maybe it is just the object that changes and not the love we feel towards it or anything else for that matter.

I like to think of myself as someone who found out that we can easily live without love and sometimes I can convince myself that I don't need anybody except for myself in my life. If I can't have Draco than I don't want anybody else.

When I was a child, well, not a child but a teenager, I imagined that at the age of 22 I would be happily married and maybe have children or at least that I would start thinking about having a family with my love.  I wonder if Draco ever read my diary. Luckily I didn't write down anything like that in it. That would scare any man away. Men don't think about children and love and marriage…well, not before they turn 30 something, that is.

You can't pin love down. It is nothing but the name we have for an abstract idea that none of us can really grasp. 

Draco Malfoy could never understand what I felt for him and what I still feel every time I see him or think of him. 

Hell, I don't understand it. 

How can something that can makes us feel so good make us feel bad at the same time? 

Love is not a roller coaster with its ups and downs. Roller coasters can't go up and down at the same time, love can though.

It is what love does and it's bloody good at it. 

If we had to visualize love men would probably think of it as a woman. A stunning, beautiful woman. Women can have ups and downs at the same time. 

Men would never admit that they can, too.

I thought about writing a love letter to Draco Malfoy. Or about simply walking up to him and proposing to him and then we could marry each other and everything would be fine. I wish love - or life for that matter – would be so simple. 

Unfortunately it is not. 

All my life I struggled and wouldn't give in to the cheesy view so many people have of love. 

I don't believe people think much about love. 

Love is something you live. You don't really talk about it and if you talk about it you refer to sex and marriage and babies and presents and men and women and crushes, but you're never talking about love itself. 

It's probably better this way. I shouldn't just think about love, I should go out there and get myself a man even though this man most likely won't be Draco. 

There is no way it can be Draco even though he is the man I love.

_Je t'aime. _

How can we grasp what love really is, if in our sentences the one we declare our love to is not even the Subject of our sentence?

The Subject is the most important thing of a sentence. There is no Sentence without a Subject and a Verb. We can easily live without an Object. 

_Ich liebe Dich. _

Shouldn't the one we love be the most important thing in the world? Shouldn't they be the Subject of our Sentence?

_I love you. _

_Draco, I  love you so much I want you to be the Subject in my Sentence._

Crazy, isn't it?

Fruitcake. That's what you think I am, don't you?

Love, I would like to accuse you of making my life hell when you actually could have made me happy.

I wonder how much money I would get if I could sue love. 

1000 Gallons for every time my heart broke when I saw Draco smiling and being happy with another woman in his arms. 

10 000 Gallons for every time some one said "I love you" to me and didn't really mean it.

100 000 Gallons because I'm a single and love didn't manage to get me the man I wanted – or any man at all that is.

_Love is an Oxymoron. _

Yeah, I guess, that is what describes it best. 

_Love is both, good and bad, death and life, black and white._

We can't live with it and we can't live without it.

I wouldn't want to live without it. 

Would you?


End file.
